Ok, so on request of grootblousmile here is a thread where we ask you to submit your funniest jokes as a part of Rugby-Talk’s 1st B-Day.
Any jokes will do, as long as you adhere to all the blog rules…
Those of you with no sense of humour, you are allowed to at least shout VRYSTAAAAAAAAAAT !!!!!!!
Those of you who dont have original jokes and want to steal someone else’s line shout SHAAAAAAARKS !!!!!!!
You can even make jokes that are completely unrealistic… let me give an example by using a couple of one liners…
” I’m sure WP will win the Currie Cup this year ”
or
” The BULLS will win this weekend ”
However, dont talk to much BULLsh@t… 😉
Yip LIONS, it does’nt matter at what end of the S14 ladder you ended, you too can submit jokes LOL
Happy birthday Rugby-Talk !!!
Congrats to all involved and may there be many more happy blogging hours !!!!!
:handshake:
Drie paartjies gaan kamp, dit gaan lekker en almal raak gesuip, om moeilikheid te verhoed besluit hulle om die vrouens in een tent te laat slaap en die mans in die ander een, In die mddel van die nag toe stamp die een ou aan Piet en sê, Hey Piet pasop maar ek moet nou by my vrou uitkom, Piet vra hoekom? Die ou sê “want …ek het nog nooit so ‘n ereksie gehad nie. laat ek verby kom”.
Piet vra, moet ek saamkom?
die ou sê vies verwat?
Piet sê, want dis myne wat jy daar vashou!
One day at school, little Johnny’s teacher said, “Let’s play a game. I will put a piece of candy in your mouth and you tell me what it is.” the teacher exclaimed.
So the teacher walked up to Mary and told her, “Close your eye’s and I’ll put the piece of candy in your mouth.” Little Mary did so. “A cherry flavored Jolly Rancher,” Mary exclaimed. The teacher said, “Very good Mary.”
So the teacher went up to Tommy and put a piece of peppermint candy in his mouth. Tommy replied, “A piece of peppermint candy.” “Very good Tommy,” Said the teacher.
So then the teacher walked up to Sid and put a Hershey’s Kiss in his mouth. Sid said, “I don’t know what it is?” The teacher said, “It’s what your mom gives your dad before they go to bed.” Little Johnny jumps up and says, “Spit it out, it’s a piece of ass!”
These were question tourists asked about South Africa before touring here. Courtesy of restinations.com
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it raining on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only two thousand kilometers, take lots of water…
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes…?
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey’s Bay? (UK)
A: ….and what did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific.
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not… oh forget it.
Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is… oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas
Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we’ll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-me-ri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.
A dominee is checkin in to a hotel and says to the receptionist: “Ag tell me….i hope the porn is disabled”
Receptionist:no its NORMAL you freak 🙂
A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses.
She starts her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up.”
After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Johnny?”
“No, ma’am,” he says, “but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.”
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny’s propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, “I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.”
“Very good, William,” cooed the teacher.
“My mommy had a baby,” said little Esther.
“Oh, that’s nice,” replied the teacher.
Finally, Little Johnny raises his hand.
With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
“I was watchin’ TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians, and they all attacked at one time. He killed every one of them with his two guns.”
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, “And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?”
“It’ll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger.”
Die ou kom by die biblioteek en vra vir die biliotekaresse. Haai dame, ek soek ‘n boek oor selfmoord. Die dame gluur hom aan en sê F…of, julle bring nie die boeke terug nie
snoek @ 66
lol
seker maar ñ bloubul juffroutjie
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
“What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked.
“That is the talking clock”, the man replied.
“How’s it work?” the friend asked.
“Watch”, the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall ” KNOCK IT OFF, ASSHOLE ! It’s two AM!
2 ou tannies in ouetehuis: Tannie Sara : “Ans , word jy nog soms lus?” Tannie Ans : ” Ja , maar dan suig ek maar n livesaver.” Tannie sara :” Nou hou kom jy dan op die strand?”
’n Tannie sit in die kerk, langs ‘n oop venster. Sy lyk ongemaklik en skuif heeltyd rond, die koster kom later na haar en vra: “Tannie, pla die wind?” Sy se: “Nee wat, ek sal hom los sodra die orrel speel.”
A couple was having financial problems until finally they couldn’t stand it anymore.
The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband drove her to the place where she had to do the job and in the evening he picked her up again.
“So, how much have you earned today?” the husband asked.
“Well”, the woman responded, “I’ve made one hundred dollars and fifty cents”.
“That’s strange”, the husband responded, “who gave you the fifty cents?”
Said the woman: “All of them, of course!”
VIRRIE BLOUBUL ONDERSTEUNERS
..
Wat is brandende liefde?….Dis wanneer jy in die donker die Vaseline soek en die Vicks raakvat! 😆
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door.
One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says “Mirror, mirror on my door, make my bust-line forty four”.
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened and in minutes they both returned.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says “Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!”.
Again, there’s a bright flash… and both his legs fall off.
The child was a typical four-year-old girl – cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny. When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. “Now do you understand?” he asked. “I think so,” she said. “That was when mommy came to work for us?”
One day, Pinnochio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what wooden girls and wooden boys do. Later, as they were cuddling, Pinnochio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, “What’s the matter?”
Pinnochio’s girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, “You’re probably the best guy I’ve ever met– but every time we make love, you give me splinters.”
This remark bothered Pinnochio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When Pinnochio arrived, he could tell something was bothering Pinnochio, and asked him what was the matter.
As Pinnochio revealed his dilemma, Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to “smooth” out Pinnochio’s relationship with his girlfriend. Pinnochio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.
Gepetto had not heard from Pinnochio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinnochio’s problems.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinnochio. When he saw Pinnochio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, “So Pinnochio, things must be going pretty good with the girls”.
To which Pinnochio replied, “GIRLS? WHO NEED GIRLS???”
snoek @ 75
lol
Ma sê vir haar seuntjie wat nie sy pampoen wil eet nie:
“Wag maar, vannag kom die duiwel jou haal!”
Daardie nag begin dit vreeslik reën. Die donderweer dreun en weerligstrale klief deur die lug.
Ma raak bekommerd en wil by haar seuntjie gaan sit tot die weer opklaar.
Tot haar verbasing is hy nie in sy kamer nie. Sy kry hom voor die oop yskasdeur besig om pampoen te eet.
Kort-kort prewel hy: So ‘n fokken moerse lawaai en dit oor ‘n klein bietjie pampoen, bliksim!”
One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of “Good Nights” she went upstairs. Immediately all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White’s bedroom window.
Tonight was Grumpy’s turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.
After a minute or two he hollered down, “She’s taking off her blouse!” and this was echoed down the stack “taking off her blouse,” “she’s taking off her blouse,” “blouse is coming off,” “taking off her blouse,” etc.
Next Grumpy yelled, “She’s taking off her skirt,” which was followed by the echoes “taking off her skirt,” “she’s taking off her skirt,” “skirt’s coming off,” “taking off her skirt,” etc.
Of course the next line from Grumpy was, “She’s taking off her bra!” and the echo chorus went down the line. Then, “She’s taking off her panties!” which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.
Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods so he yelled, “Someone’s coming!” and from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was heard, “Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.”
“Me too.” “Me too.” “Me too.”
Eendag merk die dominee ‘ n klein seuntjie in die voorportaal van die kerk op wat aandagtig na ‘ n groot gedenkplaat teen die muur staan en kyk. Dit was oortrek met name en daar was klein landsvlaggies weerskante.
Toe loop die dominee nader, kom staan langs die seuntjie, en sê saggies: “Goeiemore my seun.”…
“Môre, Dominee,” sê hy, met sy oë nog vasgenael op die plaat.
“Dominee, wat is dit hierdie?” vra hy.
Die dominee antwoord: “Wel, my seun, dit is ‘n gedenkplaat vir al die jongmanne wat in die diens gesterf het.”
In doodse stilte en met groot eerbied staan die twee voor die plaat en staar na die name.
Uiteindelik, in ‘n skaars hoorbare stemmetjie en bewend van vrees vra die seuntjie: “Watter diens, Dominee? Die oggend- of die aanddiens?”
FOR WOMEN!!
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring. As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned. “Tell me,” she asked the elderly salesman “is there anything special I’ll have to do to take care of this ring?” With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, “One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day.”
“Doctor, doctor!” shouted the woman coming into the doctors office. “I think I’m turning into a man”
The doctor says, ” Now hold on little lady, what makes you think that you’re turning into a man?” ”
Well” said the woman “I’m starting to grow hair on my chest”
The doctor asked, ” Well then, how far down your chest is your hair growing? ”
She replied, “All the way down to my dick”.
BGS en BDB gaan Bungie.
Nadat GBS gespring het, hang hy daar tussen hemel en aarde,
maar
hy skree blou moord!…
BDB skree: “GBS, wat’s fout? Loop al jou bloed na jou kop toe?”
GBS skree: “Nee man. Al die kak loop teen my rug af!”
Ashley, ek kan nie meer nie, my maag spiere is al seer gelag. 😆
Ma’t my geleer:
hoe om te bid: Jy moet bid dat daai kol uit die mat uit is as ek by die huis kom,
Van time travel: Ek sal jou tot in volgende week in klap!
Dat pa’s slimmer as ma’s is: Gaan vra jou pa!
Oor fotosintese: Lyk dit of geld op my rug groei?
Om altyd nederig en klein te wees: Mannetjie!!
Van weer geleer: Dit lyk of ‘n orkaan jou kamer getref het!
Van fauna & flora: Moenie vir my vertel perredrolle is vye nie!
Om myself te ontdek: Hou op om jou soos jou pa te gedra!
Van osmose geleer: Hou jou mond & eet jou kos!
Geleer van uithouvermoë: Jy sal daar sit tot jy jou spinasie geeet het!
Van sintuie: Kinners word gesien & nie gehoor nie!
Van humor: Hou aan lag dan gee ek jou iets om oor te huil!
Van jaloesie: Daar is duisende arm kinners wat ouers soos joune begeer!
Dat daar plek en ‘n tyd vir alles is: As julle mekaar wil vermoor, doenit buite!
My wiskunde geleer: Sit jy & tanne tel?
Logika geleer: Want ek sê so, dis hoekom!
Hoekom stink ‘n poep?
Sodat dowe mense dit ook kan geniet!!!
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage … he had a heart attack.
The doctor advised him to cut out sex to prolong his life.
He went home, and he and his wife discussed the matter at length, and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs, to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn’t worth living for, and so he headed upstairs.
He met his wife on the staircase and said, “I was coming up to die.”
She laughed and replied. “I was coming down to kill you.”
Ek hoor nou die dag die Jode 40 jaar lank in die woestyn rondgetrek het oppad van Egipte na Kanaan.
hoekom?
een van hulle se beursie het langs die pad uitgeval
snoek @ 88
lol, ekt al die afrikaanse weergawe daarvan gehoor
..
So kort voor die runderpes in Namakawaland is daar ‘n oom en antie. Hulle het kinders by dosyne. By die geboorte van die laaste een waarsku die dokter dat die antie se masjienerie nie meer so lekker is nie en dat sy bes moontlik nie nog ‘n geboorte sal oorleef nie. Die oom en antie skrik, want hulle is lief vir mekaar en wil nou nie sommer moedswillig die antie laat dood nie.
Nou slaap hulle apart op sulke ysterkateltjies, maar die ongedurigheid broei in hulle. Een nag lê die oom wakker en hy hoor die antie se kateltjie kraak en kreun soos sy rondrol. Na ‘n rukkie is dit stil en hy kyk na haar, net om te sien dat sy hom met groot oë beloer. “Jy keek vi my,”sê hy. “Ja,”sê sy,”ek keek vi jou. ” “Nou maar hoekom keek jy vi my?” vra hy. “Ek dink” sê sy. “Nou maar wat dink jy so innie laatnag?” vra hy. “Ek dink jy moet my maar die doodskoot kom sjee”
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