Ok, so on request of grootblousmile here is a thread where we ask you to submit your funniest jokes as a part of Rugby-Talk’s 1st B-Day.
Any jokes will do, as long as you adhere to all the blog rules…
Those of you with no sense of humour, you are allowed to at least shout VRYSTAAAAAAAAAAT !!!!!!!
Those of you who dont have original jokes and want to steal someone else’s line shout SHAAAAAAARKS !!!!!!!
You can even make jokes that are completely unrealistic… let me give an example by using a couple of one liners…
” I’m sure WP will win the Currie Cup this year ”
or
” The BULLS will win this weekend ”
However, dont talk to much BULLsh@t… 😉
Yip LIONS, it does’nt matter at what end of the S14 ladder you ended, you too can submit jokes LOL
Happy birthday Rugby-Talk !!!
Congrats to all involved and may there be many more happy blogging hours !!!!!
best one for us texting challenged folks…..
Girls: If you get a message from your boyfriend saying that he wants to “kick your puppy”, don’t call the RSPCA… he’s just not very good at predictive text.
24 @ ashley:
Read post # 4….
Now shout SHAAAAAAAAAARKS !!!! 😀
23@ bos_otter:
Smileys now at the bottom of the Comment block
I was driving through Brakpan on my way to the Lions v Bulls game the other week, when I saw this guy with a Blue Bulls shirt on hitchhiking.
The poor bastard had 3 eyes, no arms and only one leg.
I pulled up next to him and said, “eye eye eye, you look armless, hop in”.
> One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery
> plot as a Christmas gift…
>
> The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
>
> When she asked him why, he replied,
>
> “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
>
>
>
> And that’s how the fight started…
34@ Scrumdown:
Watchit… that is my best client…. hehehe
A little boy says to his mother, “Mom, I’ll be good for a dollar” The mother replies, “I shouldn’t have to pay you to be good, you should be good all the time”
The little boy says, “OK Mom, I’ll be good for 50 cents.” The mother says, “I shouldn’t have to pay you to be good you should be good all the time.
The little boy says, “OK Mom, I’ll be good for a 25 cents.” The mother says, “How many times do I have to tell you I shouldn’t have to pay you to be good. You should be good for nothing, just like your father.”
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while.. What happened? You look terrible.” “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.” “Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand? The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook but I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?” “Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird shit.”
“It was my first day with the hook”, replied the pirate.
> I asked my wife,
>
> ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’
>
> It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
>
> ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.
>
> So I suggested,
>
> ‘How about the kitchen?’
>
>
>
> And that’s when the fight started…
36@ grootblousmile:
I think he actually works for the GLRU directing traffic or people to their seats or something!
> My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
> we were in bed.
>
> I turned to her and said,
>
> ‘Do you want to have $ex?’
>
> ‘No,’ she answered.
>
> I then said,
>
> ‘Is that your final answer?’
>
> She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying
>
> ‘Yes.’
>
> So I said,
>
> ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’
>
>
>
> And that’s when the fight started…
“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man. “Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend. “I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
‘Are you the owner?’ The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: ‘We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?’
Pharmacist: ‘Of course we do.’
Jacob: ‘How about medicine for circulation?’
Pharmacist: ‘All kinds.’
Jacob: ‘Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? ‘
Pharmacist: ‘Definitely.’
Jacob: ‘How about Viagra?’
Pharmacist: ‘Of course.’
Jacob: ‘Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?’
Pharmacist: ‘Yes, a large variety. The works.’
Jacob: ‘What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?’
Pharmacist: ‘Absolutely.’
Jacob: ‘You sell wheelchairs and walkers?’
Pharmacist: ‘All speeds and sizes.’
Jacob says to the pharmacist: ‘We’d like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.’
> My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the
> channels.
>
> She asked,
>
> ‘What’s on TV?’
>
> I said,
>
> ‘Dust.’
>
>
>
> And then the fight started…
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
> reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
> drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
>
> I asked her,
>
> ‘Do you know him?’
>
> ‘Yes,’
>
> she sighed,
>
> ‘He’s my old boyfriend… I understand he took to drinking
> right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
> hasn’t been sober since.’
>
>
> I said,
>
> ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
>
>
>
> And then the fight started…
A guy is 72 years old and he loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog. The man said, “Are you talking to me?” The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, “Hey, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.” He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
@ ps in CT:
😆
After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him. “What are your plans?” he asked Joseph. “I’m a scholar of the Torah,” Joseph replied. “Well, that’s admirable,” Leslie’s father replied. “But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?” “I will study, and God will surely provide for us,” Joseph explained. “And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?” “I will study hard, and God will provide for us.” “And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?” “Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiancé. The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out. The father answered, “Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I’m God.”
…
😳 sooooooooooooooorry, couldnt help myself!!
@ Blouste:
Blouste – Those are great!! 😆
blouste @ 45
lol
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept
hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first,
the truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more
important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went
into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out
again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said,
‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway.’
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a
limp.
A guy has a horny parrot. It’s terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, and the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet. The vet examines the bird extensively, says, “Well, you have a very horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for 200 bucks your bird can go in the cage with mine..”
The guy’s parrot is listening and says, “Come on! Come on! What the f#ck are you waiting for. “Finally, the guy says “All right” and hands over the 200 bucks.
The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird and closes the curtain.
Suddenly, “Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!” The cage starts shaking and feathers come flying out. The vet screams, “Holy sh!t,” and runs across the room and opens the curtain.
The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he’s pulling out all her feathers, saying, “For 200 f#cking bucks, I want you naked, b!tch. Naked!”
Meraai is in court in the witness stand because she has been raped.
State prosecutor”Meraai tell us what happened”
Meraai” Djou honor I was one the fourth floorlooking out the window when the Blue Buls came through church steet with their Super 14 trophy on the back of a truck”
State Prosecutor” And then?”
Meraai “Well Gatiep grabbed me from behind and raped me”
State prosecutor” Well did you try to scream or get away?”
Meraai ” No, djou honor, I didn’t want the people to think I am a Bulls supporter”
Ok guys, I’m out for a bit.
Maybe we will chat again later, enjoy !!!
Twee groot
wit haaie swem in die see en sien ‘n skip wat sink.
“Volg my, seun” sê pappa haai vir sy seun en hulle swem tot by die
skip.
…
“Eers swem ons om die mense in die water met net die puntjies van ons
vinne wat wys”
En hulle doen dit.
“Knap gedaan, seun! Nou swem ons om hulle met ons hele vinne
wat wys.”
En hulle doen dit.
“Nou eet ons almal.”
En hulle doen dit.
Toe albei dik gevreet is, vra die seun, “Pa, hoekom het ons hulle almal
nie sommer net van die begin af opgevreet nie?
Hoekom
moes ons al om hulle swem?”
Sy wyse pa antwoord, “Want hulle proe beter sonder die stront
Gou ‘n laaste een…
******************************************************************************************
‘n Diknek minister word opgeneem in die hospitaal. Hy moet ‘n paar dae bly vir waarneming.
Hy het ‘n klein probleempie. Hy is egter ‘n yslike pyn in die nek vir die verpleegspan. Hy gebied hulle rond en bont soos wat hy doen met sy eie personeel in sy kantoor. Gou wil niemand meer iets met hom
te doen hê nie.
Die afdeling se stafverpleegster was die enigste een wat hom kon vasvat.
Sy kom die kamer binne en kondig sonder seremonie aan: “Ek moet jou koors neem.” Nadat hy
verskeie minute beswaar gemaak het, kalmeer hy, vou sy arms en maak sy mond wyd oop.
“Ek is jammer,” sê die stafverpleegster, “die keer kan ek nie die orale termometer gebruik nie.”
Die minister begin met die volgende rondte besware, maar eindelik draai hy onwillig op sy sy en trek die beddegoed beswaard van sy bas af.
“Nee,” sê die stafverpleegster, “hande viervoet met jou boude in die lug.”
Onwillig luister die minister maar.
Hy voel hoe gly die KY Gel-gesmeerde termometer in sy onnoemlike in en met warm ore hoor hy die stafverpleegster vertel: “Ek moet net gou iets gaan haal. Jy moet nou net so DOODSTIL STAAN totdat
ek terugkom. Moenie roer nie.”
Sy stap vinnig uit en los die deur agter haar oop met die minister wat stert omhoog op die bed is. Hy
hoor mense lag as hulle by sy deur verby die gang afstap en hy swets onderlangs.
Na ongeveer dertig minute kom die minister se dokter die kamer binne.
“Wat op aarde gaan hier aan?” vra hy uit die veld geslaan, terwyl hy sluk om nie kliphard te lag nie.
Boos om so lank met sy kale bas langs die oop deur te lê, antwoord die minister:
“Wat makeer jou, dokter? Het jy nog nooit gesien dat ‘n mens se koors geneem word nie?”
Na ‘n lang ruk erken die dokter: “Ja, maar nog nooit met ‘n angelier nie.”
55 @ ashley:
😆
55@ ashley:
Nice one! :suspense:
Een koue wintersoggend is die tante doenig in die tuin, met langbroek onder die rok, toe die predikant voor die deur stilhou.
Sy draf vinnig die huis binne en sê vir die huishulp: “Die predikant is hier. Sê vir hom ek gaan gou-gou die broek uittrek. Ek kom nou.”
Haar lippe rooi gemaak, hare gekam en langbroek
uitgetrek kom sy in die sitkamer, maar dominee is nie daar
nie.
Sy vra die huishulp waar hy is, en die sê: “Ek het hom gasê djy gaan jou broek uittrek.
Hy sê for my hy gaan gou die bybel by die kar bêre!”
@ grootblousmile:awesome….ty for the smilies GBS 🙂
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