Oops…with all the exitement of the Super 14…we seem to have forgotten that there is another trophy to be won this year as well.  I thought I might try my hand at some team talk…

Please don’t be offended…but if you are…whatever…

The Pumas

Until recently it was thought that these guys in fact does not exist, but the introduction of Jimmy “Spiertier” Stonehouse, turned all that around…NOT.

They snatched the Currie Cup First Division with relative ease, and approach the new season, in the Currie Cup Premier Division with great anticipation, they seriously think that they are big dogs, but their legs need to lift quite a bit to piss with the manne!

The team is still crap, and the people watching their games on Jan van Riebeeck Stadium (Co-incidently the worst stadium on the planet) only goes to the games because you can sit where you want for R20.00 and the alcohol is very cheap!

The Boland

Known for their violent club-rugby scene, where more blood flows on a weekly basis, than in an average Clint Eastwood movie. Secured the services of Loffie “I’m in a building phase” Eloff, to replace Chester “The Brainfart” Williams.

Dropped from the Currie Cup Premier division, they will be out to prove…ag who the hell am I kidding. They will desperately try to win a game, any game, even if it is a warm-up against UCT…which they cancelled, because Loffie watched Varsity Cup and felt it was a bit too violent.

The Eastern Province

Many people believe this team to be highly underrated, they have access to the largest coloured player base in South Africa, along with a large University feeding them and a chance for comrades and struggling strugglers, such as the not-so-black Cheeky Watson, to prove that a black Springbok & Super 14 team is plausible!

Up to date they have produced zero Springboks, won zero trophies and are being taken serious by at least buggerall other teams, they do however have a great fan-base, why just the other day 250 spectators arrived at Boet Erasmus, or what the hell ever it is now called, to watch them train, however when the excited fans heard that it wasn’t the New Zealand All Blacks training, but rather the New Generation of Ethnic Blacks, they hightailed the hell out of there!

SWD, Border, Griffons

These three are really trying to be competitive, but playing in opening games for clashes between Paarl Gym and Paarl Boys High isn’t really doing too much for their self-esteem.

Calls to have them drafted into the varsity cup seems to be unfounded, as sponsors does not want to degrade the merchandise.

They have a fan-base, yes, mostly schoolboys hanging around the field, waiting for an injury to occur and then having themselves drafted into professional Rugby that could see them earning match-fees that they will use to buy dagga, get high, play another game, get injured and open the door for yet another hopeful to make his mark in the echelons of these great, (yes I am sarcastic) rugby unions’ tradition.

The Leopards

Already having produced quite a few Super 14 and Springbok players, the University of the Northwest’s (Potch) Rugby Academy is bearing some results, although the Leopards are still very far from being serious contenders, they are getting there slowly.

The university wass the home of the National Club Champions for two years running, but too many players slip through the cracks to other bigger unions.

Their fan-base consist of tons of piss drunk, mile high and completely stoned students, always practising for Oppikoppi and checking out where they can get laid, constituting in one of the smallest Universities in SA having the highest pregnancy rate…

Short version…they are not there to watch the rugger!

The Wildeklawer Griquas

The best of all the small unions by far, known to klap the Bulls, WP, Sharks and Lions at regular intervals and then losing out against Falcons, Pumas or some other bullshit team. Very hard to beat in Kimberly, but only because the field is so uneven that team practise sometimes look like the Paralympics Trials

It is also very hard to remain sounding like serious contenders when your main sponsor is pickled onions, you just lose the edge somehow…

The Griquas actually does have a fan-base, however only in Kimberly, and the reason for this is that it is too far in the middle of absolutely nowhere, to travel to any REAL rugby stadiums. Mostly however their reason for going to a match is to watch the other teams play, and escaping the ravings and rantings of their Pseudo-psychotic wives and daughters.

The Gauteng Falcons

The richest of the small unions, even though no-one has a flippen idea why this team is supposedly worth so much. Their team is made up out of players that neither the Lions or the Bulls wanted, and for good reason.

They constantly brag about how dangerous they are at home, however, this is not directed at the rugby they play, but rather at their backyard mechanic fans and supporters who come to the games pissed and looking for blood, which is why most games end up in a brawl.

Their coaching staff are all former Bulls players as they believed them to be able to giving this team the edge, unfortunately most of those former players played for a Bulls team that had their asses handed to them constantly.

Their most famous players arguably were Adi Jacobs, Ettiene Botha and Colin Moss…who was a great contender for the Springbok jersey…I don’t know if he got it though, cause I never saw the end of the movie.

The only winning and smart ex-player, that is supposedly rumoured to have been involved, is Naas Botha, who in fact is so smart that in the end he kept his job at Supersport, seeing through the façade from the start.

The Freestate Cheetahs

The smallest of the big unions, and they constantly moan about it. This team is struggling to find its identity seeing as Bloemfontein is about as far behind the time as my e-mail system.

Coached by a tight-forward…which is generally not a good idea, seeing as a tight-forward’s idea of creativity is the pattern his studs makes on his opponent’s face.

No-one really knows what to make of their fans, as they are an unknown entity, from the 7 fans they had in 2004 they have now moved on to a few thousand, as had their sponsorship.

Orange and polka-dots are high fashion in Bloemfontein these days, however, a disappointing 2010 could see Bloemfontein revert back to the most boring city in Africa and Khaki Pants and Horizontal stripes at the order of the day. With old ladies walking aimlessly through the streets of the city…having nothing left to live for.

The Gauteng Lions

They are trying really hard to live up to the name that they are playing under being King of the Beasts! However on the rugby field they are more likely to be called the Jokers.

Always blaming their coaches whenever something goes wrong they constantly refer to themselves as the first team to win a Super Rugby Competition, what they fail to add is that Louis Luyt was still Lion King back then and the competition could well have been bought.

This however is unlikely to happen again, as it is alleged there isn’t one person in Johannesburg able to draft a set of documents that would stand up in court.

They also like to brag that the Lions won the 1995 World Cup, how it was a pair of Blue Bull hands that made the vital passes and a pair of WP feet that kicked the vital points they cannot or will not explain. Arguably their biggest achievement at the 1995 World Cup was having two of their players suspended in a rugby brawl against Canada in PE and having the only specialist 8th Man in the Squad (Rudolph Streauli) make place for a Lock (Mark Andrews) because the lock was allegedly more mobile.

Their fans…wait, what the hell am I talking about, they haven’t got any fans…

The Natal Sharks

Desperately trying to look like the coolest rugby team in the country, even though having girls flash all around the stadium can only get you so far. Constantly rates themselves amongst the best teams in South Africa, but facts state that they won more or less the same amount of Currie Cups than the Griquas. Collectively there are more highlights in the players’ hairdos than there are in their results of the past 10 years (2008 Currie Cup excluded). Love importing players from overseas, started with Thierry Lacroix, ended with Steve Meyer.

They also have an ageing team even though they would have you believe that it is young blood coming through. While the rest of the Teams in SA inject creatine, smear Deep Heat and drink Energade to boost themselves, the Sharks inject Salusa 45, drinks Red Bull, and brandishes Oil of Olay natural anti-wrinkle treatment.

They do however have a really large and influential fan-base, consisting of surfers, businessmen, Jake White, supermodels and the homeless. The latter being there seeing as a result of their main sponsor Mr. Price, selling their merchandise at dirt-cheap prices making it affordable for everyone and their mate to look the part. As a result they have a large contingent of their fans staying in Soweto, Mamelodi–East and the Brakpan/Springs area, the fans tell everyone they support Kaizer Chiefs and the Orlando Pirates but John Plumtree and his boys obviously knows better.

Western Province

Few teams in South Africa have so intensely hurt their spectators and supporters as has WP over recent years. Constantly having incredibly talented players at their disposal, constantly having their asses handed to them in semi-final matches.

The players are very popular with female spectators, because they look like male models, they are built like male models, but unfortunately most times, they also play like male models. They always like to prophesize before a game that you do not need strong forwards, afterwards they feel differently.

Inconsistency is the watchword as far as the WP/Stormers is concerned, they cannot string two convincing wins together, even if the referee was bribed, the reason for this being the laid back attitude of Cape Living, at least that is what all of their supporters f@cking hope, cause no-one knows what the hell is wrong with them!

As far as the fans go, WP/Stormers have one of the largest rugby support bases in the world. It is very dangerous to support another team on Newlands seeing as most of the Newlands-Faithful brandish very dangerous weapons, such as knives and petrol bombs, and you know what they say about getting lost on the Flats.

The Blue Bulls

Finally we come to the Bulls. The are big, they are fugly, and if you listen to them they only lose when divine intervention comes into play. They are arrogant when they lose, they are arrogant when they go for a draw, and worse, they are arrogant when they win, which is every now and then.

They like to see themselves as very manly, because they are hairy and they swear a lot, but then they go and sing a song named “Liefling” and dedicate it to a goofy guy with dimples. A song so powerful that you frequently see ou tannies and ooms break down in tears at the sound of this grossly inappropriate choice of music for a man’s game such as rugby. At least that
has now come to an end.

The Bulls fans are almost fanatic! Most of them wouldn’t know a ruck from a line-out, but they yell “BULLE” because everyone is doing so. The Loftus crowd is also probably the only crowd that complain that the “Dreamgirls” who are the Bulls cheerleaders are a waste of money, because they can’t scrum…

They once had a strange relationship with a man named Steve Hofmeyer (Who incidently is the father of a great many Bulls supporters and maybe even some players) who used to hop around the stadium like a clown on ecstacy, even though it has been rumoured that Kurt Darren is getting to be a crowd pleaser as well.