Kevin McCallum – The Star
The weirdness is upon us. Everywhere you turn there are cheats, thieves, suspicions, half-truths and daft decisions.
French cars crashing in Asian streets, English rugby players bleeding miraculously like a statue of the Madonna in a Spanish church, more heads in the sand at ASA house than on an Ostrich farm, Bok centres banned for tackling a wee bit too hard and the number one cricket team in the world told they’re not good enough.
Chuck in the little matter of how the world is all-atwitter over Freddie Flintoff – the most overrated cricket player in the last decade – going freelance and you wouldn’t be too surprised if four horsemen trotted down the BRT lane in Commissioner Street in downtown Joburg to announce the Apocalypse was nigh. The world’s gone mad, I tell ya.
Those of us who bought Renaults in the faint hope that if the scruffy, fat, old, Italian playboy in charge of the make’s Formula One team could impregnate a German supermodel, then surely driving a Megane would attract us Heidi of suitable proportions, have had their dreams crushed now that Flabio – sorry, I mean Flavio – has been outed as a cheat.
Nelson Piquet jnr’s career as a racing driver is finished.
Perhaps one day when he has children, and is balancing Nelson Piquet jnr jnr on his knee, he will be asked: “Daddy, what is that you do?”
“I crash, son.” “Weddings, daddy?” “No. Cars.”
The revelation that Caster Semenya has been in the stirrups more times than the above-mentioned horsemen hardly came as a shock, except if your name was Leonard.
When in doubt, ask the government to set up a commission of inquiry for you can be sure that they will tie up the issue in so much double speak and bluster you might just be able to get away with the suspicion you sacrificed a young girl for the sake of a medal.
Semenya has still not been given the R60 000 promised to her by the Yoof League, which begs the question as to whether Julius Malema should be forced to undergo “spender testing”.
Nelson Piquet jnr is another who could spend time in the labs for “fender testing”, while the Springboks might need some “bender testing” after their celebrations after beating the All Blacks in Hamilton. Just when it seemed things couldn’t get weirder, Jaque Fourie gets four weeks for a big hit on Ma’a Nonu.
Last year Brad Thorn got just one week for attempting to plant John Smit. “Justice for Jaque” armbands are being made as we speak.
To end it all, the ICC do not believe that a single South African cricketer is deserving of a nomination for any of the categories in their annual player of the year awards.
Madness everywhere you look.
I categorically deny that we have troops in Angol….I mean, that I have been involved in any fender testing.
Fanks Pik!
“In-class Assignment for Wednesday – A True Story”
Remember the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from
Venus”? Here’s a prime example offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:
“Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail.
The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
“The following was actua! lly turned in by two of my English students:
Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted).
————————————————-
THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in
happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
———————————————-
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo
named Laurie with whom he had spent! one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,….”, he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…”
But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
————————————————-
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the
one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
“Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and
Space Travel,” Laurie&! nbsp;read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her south, when the days had passed hurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no vision to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?”
she pondered wistfully.
————————————————
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted
wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off th! e coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion,which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow ‘em out of the sky!”
————————— ——————–
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semiliterate adolescent.
————————————————-
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F@$#%@ TEA??? Oh no, I’m such an air headed bi! mbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels.”
————————————————-
(Rebecca)
A**hole
————————————————-
(Gary)
B*tch
————————————————-
(Rebecca)
F#$k you – you neanderthal
————————————————-
(Gary)
Go drink some tea – WH@#RE
————————————————-
(TEACHER)
I really liked this one! Only group to get an A+
2 @ Morné – 😆
Ek dog ek skeur my hol…………
@Snoek –
Funniest mail I got in a long time.
@Morn̩ РLOL excellent!!
invasion? what invasion?
No love lost…
morne @ 2
lmao
oh and
my comment at 6 were posted before i read yours at 2. (was refering to comical ali’s comments of a few years ago btw)
Bwaaaahahahahahaha 😆
Oneerlikheid is so oud soos die mens self. Dit word vandag net beter kommunikeer.
As Nelson nie sy werk verloor het nie het hy stilgebly.
Indeed. Die wereld en sy mense is Farktup.
Dis seker hoekom 80% van die populasie in die scope van die powers-that-be is.
Dis nou om uitgewis te word as jy gewonner het.
Ek is maar net n bietjie afgepis vandag. Idioot wat my gestrant vertel dat ek nie mag drink nie. Ek moet eers aan hom bewys dat ek dit verdien? Vat my dop uit my hand en gooi dit uit.
Needless to say, hy was gebliksem gewees.
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